nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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