you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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