i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
