Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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