She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
