I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
