mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize