How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize