but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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