I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
