God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
