Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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