Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
