Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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