he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
