I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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