I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
My balls are so social today.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
you had me at cake vodka
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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