You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
