I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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