Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
