Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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