then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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