I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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