i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
