i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
bring money and cleavage
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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