The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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