You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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