i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
