if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
