I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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