the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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