i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
