At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize