i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
