Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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