Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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