The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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