had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
