Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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