I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
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