Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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