I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
