i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
