I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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