Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize