I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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