but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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