who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Randomize
