broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
