he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
