dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
