I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
