sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
