i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
