I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
