Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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