I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
