Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
